Well, this is a heavy word.
It has one definition, but means something completely different to each person. Whether it is an object, person or emotion.
Some people think they are broken, that something in their life has broken them. Someone has told them they are sick and broken, that their feelings are not real. Anxiety is just over reaction, or depression is just a mood that can be lifted. I used to be one of those people, I would look at a friend with depression and not understand what could possibly upset them that much to just shut down. She had a beautiful daughter and fruitful life, why did she sit alone? She would tell me she didn’t know what was wrong, she just felt heavy and not in the mood. I told her I understood and that I didn’t want to get up and do the dishes and clean the house, but I didn’t really understand. Eventually , she went to a doctor , they diagnosed her with severe depression, and they gave her a “happy pill”. She was a brand new person. I was completely against it. I felt like she just needed better friends and a boyfriend that actually cared and supported her. I was wrong.
You see, I was born into a southern family, you know the “don’t show your feelings on your sleeve” or as Miranda Lambert says “Powder your nose, paint your toes line your lips and keep ’em closed, Cross your legs, dot your I’s and never let ’em see you cry”.
I didn’t let things bother me that much and if I did, I didn’t really show it. I have been married for 3 years now and my husband didn’t really understand how I dealt with things. He wanted to talk it out or would tell me it was okay to cry and let out all that was built up. I DID NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL.
Recently, I have had some family issues. Long story short, my mother dropped a huge bomb on me – via text, and i didn’t take it very well. I was at my brother-in-laws birthday party when I received the text and I had to really compose myself. I told my sister-in-law and she immediately hugged me- emotions flooded my eyes and I lost it. I walked away and found myself alone and in my thoughts. I thought I had everything under control. I was numb for a week after. A feeling I had never felt before. I wish I could say it has gone away, but it follows me. I finally talked it out with my AMAZING grandmother and brother. I decided what actions I would take and how to make everything okay again. I ended up cutting out my mother, I didn’t want her in my life anymore. So, now I am mourning the loss of a parent, on top of the emotions of why I made that decision. Everyone has my back and supports my decision, but the bleeding heart that i am, I feel like crap for doing it. Even though it benefits me and my emotional health, I feel like a bad person.
The other day- my husband said to me, “you know, your anxiety is worse than when we met, you get anxiety if you don’t have anxiety!” He was joking around when he said this, but it really made me think. I have gotten worse, and feel myself being followed by a heavy cloud. I realized that I really am broken. But, I am lucky enough to have a supportive family. I never really noticed that I was diving deep into a dark cloud, I was happy with my life and everyone in it. I took a step back and now I know it is okay to be broken, it makes you a better person. I have not gotten professional help or a diagnosis. I do not plan on it until I feel I cannot control my own reality. I have a grip on my life and I am okay! I just have panic attacks over silly things and over think every aspect of everyday. IT IS OKAY TO BE BROKEN!